Personal: Why the word Rape is forgetting the real victims

Why RAPE is becoming far from dangerous not only to real victims of RAPE but to those who falsely accuse and even imprison others.

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I’m going to start with something.. this is incredibly hard to admit.  I’ve been accused of rape by an ex.  This was years after we stopped seeing each other.  I can't stress that this is really hard to.. discuss openly.  I've touched upon it in other articles but never really fully described how it felt.  

I got a call asking to confirm my identity at a police station, which I of course did.  Sat down wondering what on earth am I here for?  Am I being called up for jury (no idea how the procedure is) or have I witnessed something without knowingly realised.  No – A RAPE allegation has been made.   My heart it rock bottom, my life is over, this must be my fault..  I work in a School my job is gone.. my relationship at the time would be finished.. Prison.. I want to die.    It was an Ex who made an allegation.  An ex that I had not seen for some years… why is she doing this.. I know we didn’t end on good terms but it wasn’t world war either.. why…  what could I have done.  This was pretty much my response to the officer – I’m dead?  I’m guilty because there’s no proof that I’m innocent.  All those text messages between us.. everything… there’s no proof…..

The officer who was talking to me at the time admitted that yes I’m correct.  He admitted that having dealt with hundreds of cases this is seemingly like an upset ex.  She seemed more interested in getting “one up” on me instead of being a victim.  She seemed more interested in me “grinning” than anything.  The officer was completely understanding at the time and I must say without his comfort I don’t know what I would have done.

So he asked if we can do an interview, would I like a Lawyer.  I said no lawyer.. let’s do this now.  I had to go in to a large amount of details about our relationship, the sex we had and generally everything.  To a complete stranger sitting there asking me questions about something that occurred years ago.  I had to go in to detail about sexual positions, what we did and where.  It was very uncomfortable and all I could think about is why… prison.. why…

The ex had said what I was accused of: forced her in to oral, I had said no but I asked a few times but she didn’t do it not once.  She said it was not something that she likes so that was that. Officer said did I force her in an alley? I said we only did things in the car twice maybe three nights and her apartment for the rest.  I had to go in to detail where in the apartment – main room and bedroom quite a few times.  Was there anyone else about? No but she had talked about us.  In fact some of her friends commented how happier she seemed now she has a boyfriend.  I believe it was this last bit of detail that helped my side.  The additional parts I said during the interview was the fact we’d have to get her friends involved at the time (they all moved on years ago).  What about text messages? All deleted.  Who keeps text messages let alone sexual ones?  Ones where she would message me about coming to hers to do stuff to her.  I had to say about her being on top and even when she wasn’t on top – she’d offer because she preferred it and she knew I did too.  I even mentioned the fact that towards the end our relationship was falling a apart and I begun seeing someone else.  That someone else posted something on my Facebook page and my ex instantly responded “that’s not appropriate”.  That was also something that wasn’t mentioned – jealousy by my ex who had accused me of RAPE.    I had to also mention the fact she would at times greet me in nothing but a bath robe…  text me wanting to see me.. wanting to sleep with me (actual words in text messages not assumptions).

This was incredibly hard to sit there and say.. .. my life was still over.. I’m guilty till proven innocent.

After the interview the officer said again that he has to take it to someone else because of the lack of evidence, two people are going to decide if this goes further.   Two people are going to decide my fate, court and prison is all that’s running through my head.  He said it does seem like a disgruntled ex who perhaps has seen my picture on social media happy and not liked it at all.  Perhaps she has suffered something at home and had to report it not realising we might be able to track me down.  The officer said – if I had sold my car they wouldn’t have tracked me down.  He said that perhaps she has been raped and instead of giving the real ones name she chose mine out of a hat.  Really didn’t make me feel good at all… 

He offered to be there if I wanted to talk.  I just wanted to go home.  I told my other half and she didn’t know how to react.  She was shocked (considering I’m not the person to pressure anyone in to sex let alone RAPE).  She too didn’t know how to react.

I think the fact I was able to recollect so much from memory was what saved my life.  I got the feeling that maybe my ex had not been so forth coming about the details.  About going on top voluntarily several times, sex in the apartment and in multiple locations.  We had been seeing each other for a few months.   And we had never really drank anything so there was no intoxication – I had to drive all the time and she wasn’t much of a drinker.

It was some months I later found out that it wouldn’t be going any further.  This was one of those moments I felt beyond relief, a life defining moment.  Again the officer offered to talk to me.  I said thank you it’s okay.  He advised that I block her instantly on any social media and never make an attempt to contact her.  He also said on how she reacted "I bet he's grinning about this".  My reaction? That's the least I care about I could have seen prison.  I feel beyond relief... I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  All those questionable thoughts that were going through my head.  One being suicide.  I'm not built for prison.  Prisons that are full of rapists, murderers and the worst people in this Country.

I said I can’t do nothing about what she has put me through because it didn’t go to court? He responded yes sadly.  So a false RAPE accusation that made me actually consider nightmare scenarios will end here?  No..  even now it still sits in my head years after the accusation.  Her life continues to go on.  Regardless of the reasons for doing it.. her rape accusation is no different to a real rape victim.  The fact that it would even get this far with no evidence, her word against mine and the only reason I got let off was what exactly? Nothing really.  Maybe it was the difference in interviews and that was it?

So my story is over..  but what of others? what of real rapes or drunk rape accusations or false rape accusations?

It made me really think about all those other people, every rape allegation that hits the press – are they true? Are they false accusations?  How many men have been falsely imprisoned.  For what? Because the woman didn't feel good about her self? Had a bad life event? Or generally thought about the guy and wanted to hurt him.

The truth is I am guilty of something, I’m guilty of going through a period where I didn’t want serious relationships. I only wanted fun like men typical do at a young age.  I gave up on relationships having so many that failed.  So yes I am guilty of something.  I’m guilty of sleeping with someone knowing I didn’t want to spend my life with.  I used her for pleasure, company and nothing more.  I'm completely guilty of becoming the very person I resented (my other exs) who didn't want to settle down when I was young.

So I put this to you – Next time you hear a RAPE allegation.  Slowly think,
what would a woman do when she’s been dumped?
What would a woman do if she woke up in a hotel room after a night of sex to find the man has gone?
What would a woman do to a man if she found out he was cheating?
What if she saw him being the husband, father to her children and seeing him with another woman?

So again I put this to you.  Could a RAPE accusation really be a false one? So easily? With little to no evidence?  We are in dangerous territory right now where real victims are being ignored while police are wasting their time on false accusations because if there’s no evidence it’s one person’s word against another.  This is not how justice works.

Is it justice that I had go through that period of months where I didn't know if a call was coming, demanding me to be arrested or appear on trial?  For that ex of mine to get "scott free"?  Is that justice?  Even now the emotional damage caused by it lingers in my head.  That what if any other ex of mine decided to do it? What of those one night stands or flings I had? What If they do the same thing?  Nothing stops them.  Most of my previous relationships like most people didn't end well - it's why they became my exs.

Again what is justice exactly?  We instantly brand every man a rapist for sleeping with a woman who's had a few drinks.  What if they are both just as intoxicated?  If a woman isn't capable of giving consent because she's had 4 bottles and a few shots (still capable of walking straight, talking sense and fully aware of what she's doing and where she's going) - does that mean she isn't responsible if she decides to drink drive? Which still occurs even now by adults.  Does that mean that no actions caused by her being drunk is she held accountable?  And before you jump on the band wagon - I deem drunk where you're no longer "tipsy".  I consider tipsy where you're not much over the limit of driving.  I consider drunk where you've been out for a few hours, had a few rounds and maybe a few shots.  I do not class drunk as being paralytic or unconscious and not able walk.

Again what is justice exactly?
If a woman claims to having no recollection of the night.  What proof is there? None.
Only her word.
What proof is there that she got on top, did multiple positions and freely had sex for a few hours? Only her word.

I've had drunk sex, I've had sex only with girlfriends at the time that were drunk.  I've never not been with a woman that didn't remember or regret it during the relationship.
What if they had though?
What if they hated me for it?  What stopped them saying the word rape.  Nothing.  Evidence? none. Only her word against mine.

Think about a different situation.  Two men in an alley, one man has a gun and is about to kill the other bloke.  They both fight.  The man who had gun is the one who gets shot.  Finger prints of both men are on the gun - no witnesses.  Both men claim it belongs to the other guy and they were attacked by each other.  If there's no major witness potentially the guy who was fighting for his own life could be the one sentenced to prison for attempted murder.  Technically it's possible.

I once watched an American report (only within the last few days of April 2017).  It was a woman who got 2 months for falsely sending a man to prison for 4 years.  Only reason this came to light? Because guilt hit the woman too much and she confessed.  After a man had already spent 4 years in prison.  She apologised and said sorry.  She got two months - is that justice?  All this was about false sexual assault.

There was no evidence, only her word against his.  This is the justice of society we live in.  You have real victims worried about not getting a sentence and you have victims of false allegations going through what I went through.  Do you think my ex has any remorse over it?  No I doubt it.

So again how does justice work?

In all my years, I've never constantly asked "do you consent to this".  No one does.  Love, sex - it's all about the heat of the moment.  Unless you are doing or trying different things (fetishes etc) who really asks do you constent to this every 2 minutes?  I've never been asked if I consent to sex ever.  And I've never needed to ask.

When you touch each other, when you kiss each other - breathing increases, the groans and the moans.  You feel each other harder.  Clothes come off, sex occurs.  That's normal.

Are we at this stage where we also have to record it? to prove it was consent to then be in trouble because we secretly recorded it?  Only a few of my exs would have consented to recording it.  BUT should I ? to prove I never raped some one in my life?  Do I keep text messages showing the sex chat that occurred?  to prove everything was willing - BUT some may say just because they say yes to text doesn't mean it was yes in person (which is true) BUT doesn't make me look innocent nor guilty does it.

So once more... is this how justice works?  Remember this - rape really is rape.  There are no ifs buts or maybes.  Rape is forcing some one to sex against their wishes (conscious or not) and that can be for a man or a woman.  If being drunk is considered to be "unable to consent" that works for the man and the woman.  And before anyone says - a man has to "get it up" I've been so drunk that I struggled to remember a night out yet I do know I had sex with my other half at the time - she didn't let me forget it because it was as if I had taken viagra (didn't go down the whole night).  I do believe I initiated it though.  Serious question - If I was a woman would you class that as rape?  I don't because I know being sober or drunk I'd wanted it with her anyway.

Another example I want to use.  Once I woke up to oral, I will admit it was an incredible shock but a good one.  Is that rape?  Even though again it was my other half at the time.  I didn't consent.  I didn't say yes.  I woke up to it happening.

I don't class the bit above as rape.  I guess because the other halfs at the time knew what I liked and didn't like.  And perhaps thats the key point here?  My other half now loves 50 Shades of Grey.  I can't be like that though.  Probably too afraid of hurting her.  Yet if she fell out with me could she accuse me of rape? I know she wouldnt but some one in her position could.. that's the scary thought.

Remember - think about what rape really is.  Remember there is a difference to having a few drinks, capable of walking etc but being unconscious.  If it's rape because a woman has had too much to drink - I assume she would sleep with anyone? If she's able to determine that she wants to sleep with you but not anyone else - is it rape?  Luckily enough I've never been in a one night stand as a result of drink - it's a turn off for me.  And I would never advise it to anyone.

We're living in dangerous times regarding rape and my life almost ended because of one sick woman who either needed help or resented me/men to the point that she wanted to end my life without care or hesitation.

This has been something very hard and very big to get of f my chest.  Justice has certainly not been done.  I will spend my life knowing how close it came.  She will spend hers probably not even feeling guilty for it.

All of the above isn't about stopping victims from coming forward, it's about everything being questioned because as much as that poor rape victim should have justice.. so should a false rape victim.  Both can have their lives severely damaged and no going back.